Dirty Mind
by Dita von Teese
Summary: Surveillance bugs have been installed all over the Normandy as a way for the Illusive Man to can keep an eye on Shepard, just in case she goes rogue. However, he soon becomes fixated on her, and he decides to use the cameras for something more than just mere surveillance of her social interactions...Mass Effect Kink Meme fill; FemShep/Illusive Man and FemShep/Joker.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note - **This was a fill for a prompt on the Mass Effect Kink Meme community. The following anonymous user requested for this idea to be written out:

_FemShep is watched while undressing or doing "something", and totally knows she is. So she plays it up to tease whoever is watching. Make it dark, make it an established relationship, make it unintentional, whatever._

She wanted it to be done with the Halestorm song, "I Get Off", in mind. By the way, that is a totally awesome song from a totally awesome band, and you should go watch the music video on YouTube if you haven't yet done so. I also named this fan fic after another Halestorm song. It doesn't have much to do with the lyrics, though (which talk about phone sex, but still…it's about sex anyway, so ya). I just wanted to name this fic after a Halestorm song LOL that's all.

**Warning:** Has mentions of masturbation, voyeurism, oral sex, and food play.

Disclaimer: MASS EFFECT and all characters are properties of Bioware. I do not own anything besides this fan fiction, and do not make any money off of it.

* * *

"Commander, you've received a new message at your private terminal," the yeoman noted.

"Thanks, Kelly. I'll go check it in my cabin," Shepard said.

The Commander marched towards the lift and stepped in. She took a minute to wipe the sweat off her forehead; it was a hectic day for her, running around doing errands on every deck of the ship. She also recently came back from Kasumi's little heist and barely made it out alive with just the thief in her party. The MECHS were a bitch to her, and so was that damn gunship that belonged to that rich scumbag, Donovan Hock. She hated how it took her several tries to strip that wretched thing of its armour, and she was thankful to have a tech specialist like Kasumi be able to destroy it all.

She also discovered how annoying it was to walk around while wearing a dress and heels, let alone do combat in them. While the Commander was usually one to revel in such luxuries—having grown up under the wing of two high-ranking military parents—she always hated how impractical it was to prance around in them, given her line of work. She only bothered with such annoyances when she needed to, such as having to wear her mess dress to military balls, regimental dinners, and whatnot.

The lift emitted a _ping_ sound, signaling Shepard that she had arrived at her destination. Her onyx heels made clanking noises as she strutted her way towards her quarters. The sound of club music emitted from her music player as she entered, its beats filling her ears and reverberating through every fibre of her being. Shepard smiled; she always liked the type of music that played in the Afterlife club and constantly had it on repeat.

Walking over to her private terminal, she turned it on and checked the message that Kelly told her about:

_From: Illusive Man  
Shepard,_

_I see you have returned from your heist with Miss Goto. I was anticipating that would end well; for the most part, it did. However, I was not very pleased with your decision to destroy the greybox. That object had valuable intelligence stored in it that we could have used to our advantage. Regardless, I trust your choice in destroying it for reasons that it might fall into the wrong hands. Overall, the mission was still a success, and I am content with the outcome. With Kasumi's concerns now put to rest, she can remain loyal to our mission in stopping the Collectors._

_Also, I expect you had some fun in attending a society party and being dressed to the nines for it. You might assume that Miss Goto must have shoplifted the get-up you're wearing right now—if that is the case, then you assumed wrong. I know my clients well, Shepard. Technically, you could say that Kasumi did steal them, since it is in her nature to prefer the five-finger discount than to pay up front. Regardless, it was a favor I gave her; I specifically had her deliver that dress, necklace, and heels to you—all as a token of appreciation from me._

_If you have not yet checked out the label—the dress is from Giuli Vorn, a highly trusted designer in the bespoke world whom also tailored the business suit you've seen me usually wear. The necklace that currently adorns your neck was made by luxury jewelry's most renowned leader, Kateřina Reichová herself. Lastly, those heels that grace your exquisite feet were handcrafted straight out the Chau Har Lee fashion house._

_You might be wondering as to how I was able to obtain such sumptuous items without having you physically present to take your measurements. I have my means, Shepard, and that is all you need to know._

_I hope you take pleasure in these gifts._

Shepard shut her terminal off as a wry smile appeared on her lips; there was something quite flattering yet highly odd about the Illusive Man's letter. Usually it was like him to always send her a message of congratulations after every mission, but this one seemed a little more personal than the last one. Shepard narrowed her eyes and frowned as realisation dawned upon her.

"Wait a minute—did he just _flirt_ with me?" she blurted. She slammed her fists down quite hard on the table; she wasn't very pleased with what she just read.

Suddenly, a racket was heard coming from the inside of Shepard's display case. She could make out a silhouette of something shaking and was suspicious of where its movements were coming from. As she opened the display case, a tiny spherical object fell and rolled towards the edge of her desk. She caught it just in time and cradled the strange item in her palms.

Examining the piece, Shepard froze once she recognised what it was: it was a surveillance bug, clearly of Cerberus brand. It was definitely one of those pesky things that Mordin found in his lab (and also nonchalantly gave the expensive one back to Miranda) and had warned her about.

Now more irritated than ever, the Commander activated her intercom and paged the Cerberus Officer.

"Yes, Commander?" queried Miranda's tinny voice.

"Miranda, have you been spying on me?" interrogated Shepard.

There was a pause in Miranda's speech. Then, she answered, "No, Commander. Why do you ask?"

"Because I found a surveillance bug in my cabin," Shepard spat.

Miranda paused again before answering. "Shepard, I didn't plant a surveillance bug in your quarters."

"Then explain to me why Mordin found some in his lab and gave the expensive one back to you!"

Sighing, Miranda responded, "Alright—I take your point. The Illusive Man didn't like my idea of implanting a control chip in you, so we compromised. Before we gave the Normandy back to you, we outfitted it with several hidden cameras so that—Cerberus—can…keep an eye on you."

Shepard's eyebrows twitched at the intonation of Miranda's last line; she felt that the Cerberus Officer was definitely hiding something. "Miranda," she drawled. "Do you know if there is any way I can catch what the Illusive Man is doing right now?"

The more Shepard pressed for answers, the more Miranda hesitated. This pause was definitely longer than the last, and it did nothing but to further aggravate the Commander. "Shepard," Miranda finally spoke. "Communication with Cerberus head offices is a one-way street, where the Illusive Man is allowed to have oversight on us but not vise-versa. The only way to get a hold of him is to wait for him to grant you a request to speak with you in the Normandy comm room."

Shepard let out an exasperated breath and palmed her forehead. "Can't I just demand to speak with him on my own terms?"

"Well, you could try that. But you will get an unanswered call most of the time."

"Why is that so?"

"Shepard, the Illusive Man doesn't spend all of his time inside the room you're thinking about."

"Then what does he do?"

"He has other duties to attend to like the rest of us do. However, he is present inside the inner sanctum when he needs to be."

Shepard placed her hands down on her desk, her mind lost in thought. "Do you think…he will be there…after dinner?"

Feeling uneasy all of a sudden at what Shepard was hinting at, Miranda croaked a noise of discomfort. "Commander, I don't get what you're trying to do here, but I can assure you that—judging by the intel we were able to gather after our infiltration of the Shadow Broker base—I was able to take a look at the Illusive Man's files and track his routine down."

"Oh?" Shepard uttered, suddenly intrigued at this new information. "Patch it through my private terminal—I want to see this info for myself."

"Very well, Commander", Miranda said as she sent Shepard the files. "There, you should have the message in your terminal right now. Have fun scrutinising it. Just remember though…if what you're planning is revenge, tell the Illusive Man that I have absolutely nothing to do with it—this is all of your own accord."

"Miranda, don't forget that you helped the Illusive Man plant all these damn bugs around my ship!"

"Shepard, I was _told_ to do so. I purchased those cameras out of the Illusive Man's request, and had the crew install them all over the place. If you have problems with these, please take it to the Illusive Man and leave me out of it."

Sighing, Shepard shook her head. "Alright Miranda, thanks."

She shut her intercom off and turned her private terminal back on. She saw two new messages appear in her inbox and skimmed through the first one. Her eyebrows furrowed as she recognised the contents of the message: it was a dossier of the Illusive Man's sexual liaisons, of which Shepard had already read when she was at the Shadow Broker base. She wondered why Miranda would send her this message, unless it was by accident. She closed the e-mail and moved on to the next one. She opened it, and its contents revealed the following information:

_1500 – Afternoon tryst with Lexi Luxx (exotic dancer from Afterlife VIP club)_

_1630 – Attend to trivial business matters_

_1830 – Take a drag or two_

_1900 – Dinner time_

_2030 – Resume duties in the inner sanctum_

Shepard looked at the clock beside her private terminal: it was ten minutes to eight-thirty, which meant that the Illusive Man was almost done with eating dinner.

Just then, another new message appeared in Shepard's inbox, and she clicked to reveal its contents:

_From: Miranda  
Shepard,_

_I think I know what you're exactly up to, hence my delivery of the Illusive Man's private records to you. I am going to send you one more file that may aid you in your…quest. Attached to this e-mail are some photographs of the Illusive Man that I was able to obtain from the Shadow Broker files; they are nothing explicit. However, I still suggest that you take a look at them along with the private records. I am sure you will find them very useful…good luck with your endeavors…_

Shepard opened one of the attachments. Upon seeing the image, she was taken aback: it was a portrait of the Illusive Man alright, but not how he looked like right now. Instead, the photo showed him off, all young and glorified. His face had less wrinkles and looked more boyish, and his hair was a silky chestnut brown. His eyes, however, were the most striking feature—they were a brilliant shade of peridot. They were nothing at all like the cybernetic eyes he had now, and Shepard was awed as to how _human_ they made the Illusive Man look. She also thought that he didn't look bad at all…not at all…

She took a look at the other pictures attached to the e-mail. They all showed the young Illusive Man, each in a different setting and each having him doing something different. One of them exposed him running away from a turian, and the other showed him nearly pulling the trigger on one.

Shepard's lips formed a lascivious smile; she originally was going to yell her brains out at the Illusive Man for spying on her. But she thought that was a silly idea since that was all she could do, anyway. There was obviously no way she could be physically present right now inside the Illusive Man's inner sanctum and just strangle him there. Instead, she decided it was better to just tease the hell out of that magnificent bastard based on all the hints that he and Miranda had been throwing at her.

She glanced back at her clock: it was seven minutes 'til eight-thirty, meaning she had only that much time left to prepare for her little stunt. She quickly placed the surveillance bug back in its original position in her display case and strode over towards her bed. She was about to settle down until an unexpected idea hit her like a ton of bricks. Heart racing, she walked in haste towards the elevator and hopped in. It took her to the crew deck and she stepped out in a hurry. She made her way towards the mess-hall where she could see Mess Sergeant Gardner wash some dishes.

_Let's see…cucumber or banana…cucumber or banana,_ Shepard pondered. _Hmm, I should probably go with the banana—less suspicious that way._

"Anything I can help you with, Commander?" the mess sergeant asked as Shepard approached him.

"Yeah, just want a banana to snack on," Shepard answered.

"Alrighty then," chirped Gardner; he halted his dish washing for a moment and grabbed a banana out of the bag of fruits on the kitchen island. "Here you go."

Shepard took the banana out of Gardner's hand and examined it. "Uhh, do you have anything firmer than this?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied Gardner; he scratched the back of his head in confusion. "Why?"

"Because…" Shepard drawled, unsure of how to answer his question. "I—like eating my bananas firm. Aaand—I like for them—to be—slightly tart in taste as well." She gave Gardner the best grin that she could muster.

Gardner just cocked his eye brow at her.

"Hey, it's an acquired taste," Shepard declared.

Gardner shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough. Here—" he seized the banana out of Shepard's hand and handed her a more unripe one. "This one's a little bit more on the green side, but I'm pretty sure it's what you're looking for."

"Thanks, it's just what I need," Shepard said. "Alright, I should go."

"Anytime, Commander," Gardner mentioned. He resumed washing the dishes as Shepard marched towards the elevator.

The Commander stepped into the lift and exhaled a breath of relief; for a moment there, she thought that the mess sergeant would catch on to what she was really up to. She stared at the banana in her hand as she waited to be transported to her destination. She licked her lips and smirked; this was going to be a very fun night for her.

* * *

**End notes:** Yeah yeah, I know it's taking a while to get to the smut, but I always need some setting and action-building going on before I have characters do the nasty. So no worries, Joker and TIM will appear later on…lolol. I just hoped that what I set up so far was believable enough.

Also, I based young Illusive Man's appearance on, well...his canon young appearance in _Mass Effect: Evolution_. If you haven't read them yet, I highly suggest that you do. You get to find out more about TIM and his real name; plus, the art is just gorgeous.


	2. Chapter 2

The Illusive Man strutted into his inner sanctum and took a seat in his chair. One of his lovely assistants appeared with a folded serving stand in one hand and a tray full of his items in the other. She set the serving stand down and meticulously opened it with her free hand whilst trying her best to not accidently slip the tray onto the Illusive Man's threads. Then, she set the tray onto it and handed him one of the objects: it was a Glencairn Glass, perfect for drinking his favourite whisky out of. The assistant picked up another one of the items—this time a bottle of bourbon—and held it out for his approval.

The Illusive Man examined it. "Jim Bean—Black label", he uttered. "Distilled to perfection in Kentucky." He nodded and gave the bottle back to his assistant and gestured her to open it for him.

"You know the usual," he said. "Halfway full."

The assistant poured the drink into the glass the way he liked it; she waited expectantly after that.

He swirled the glass and sniffed it, its wooden aroma filling his lungs. He took a sip of the bourbon, its deep flavour bringing him back to the glory days of his youth. "Hand me a smoke, please," he ordered as he put his drink down on the tray.

The assistant grabbed a fancy gold case from the tray and presented it to the Illusive Man. "Treasurer Cigarettes—Aluminum range, Gold label," she announced. "High-end brand shipped directly from London and personally delivered to you. The case is yours to keep as well, courtesy of The Chancellor Tobacco Company."

"The best cigarettes humanity has to offer," the Illusive Man stated. "You ordered exactly what I wanted—" he signaled her to open the case for him—"Most definitely luxurious. You should try some for yourself."

The assistant smiled as she handed him a cigarette. She picked up the matching gold lighter and flicked it, its small flame igniting the end of his cigarette.

He took a long, deep drag, letting the nicotine fill his lungs. He savored the fine tobacco, its essence reminding him of the days he spent back on Earth in his summer home as a privileged yet naïve young man. These items were exquisite, indeed. Definitely the best humanity has to offer, and more so with the resurrection of humanity's best Marine…

The Illusive Man exhaled, the thick smoke causing the assistant to cough. He gave her permission to leave and she curtsied before exiting the inner sanctum.

Once no trace of her was left, the Illusive Man activated his widescreen HUD. Several windows showed up and he scrolled through them until he found what he needed. He came across a window showcasing Commander Shepard's quarters, and he tapped the screen twice to enlarge the window to full size.

It was a live video feed, where he could see Shepard walk around a bit then come dead centre into his point-of-view. She was standing in front of her bed, looking fabulous in all her high-definition splendor. The Illusive Man smirked; he always knew he had good taste and was definitely right in his choice of women's fashion. The gifts he lavished Shepard with were stunning on her, and she seemed to be reveling in it. This stroked his ego a bit in knowing just what to give the ladies in order to make them feel sexier. Shepard didn't know it, but the Illusive Man had been fixated on her ever since he shelled four billion credits just to bring her back to life. There was something about her that sparked his loins and made him go wild with desire. Perhaps the fact that she was strong, nubile, keen to follow his pro-human agenda, and had a hot and toned body to boot all had something to do with it. Regardless, he was her secret admirer, and she didn't know. She would never know, and he planned to make it stay that way. Because although she was tough, he was domineering and more powerful than she was, and he would always have control. He placed his drink down and relaxed a little in his chair, eager to know how the Commander would pleasure herself tonight.

He could see her turn around and unzip the back of her little black dress, lowering the zipper ever so slowly. He immediately shot his hand towards the fly of his trousers and undid his belt and zipper. He was annoyed in having to fumble with the thing with one hand just to get his package out, so he put his cigarette down on the ashtray and wasted no time in undoing his trousers. Successful in his little mission, he whipped his cock out and began stroking it.

The zipper on Shepard's dress reached the end, and she pulled the top of her dress off her shoulders. The Illusive Man noticed that she undid her clothes slower than usual for all the times he had spied on her, and he wondered whether or not she was doing it on purpose. He shook his head; it was impossible for her to find out about his voyeuristic tendencies. He just wished that she would hurry it up a bit despite his appreciation for her rarely seen formal look.

Shepard slipped the dress down her waist and shimmied a bit as she pushed them further down her thighs. She bent over a little as she eased herself out of the dress, unwittingly giving the Illusive Man a nice view of her derrière. He sighed in satisfaction, his cock becoming erect as more of Shepard's flesh was exposed.

He liked her choice of lingerie: silky black knickers and strapless bra, made out of Chantilly lace. He figured her taste would be as fine as his, having grown up in a rich military family and all. That was another thing he liked about the Commander—her interests and desires rival his, and he just adored women with class. However, he was a bit surprised to find that she was wearing thigh-high stockings, for they weren't noticeable when she had her dress on. But then again, they were nude in colour and so sheer that they made her legs look sleek. The Illusive Man flaunted a lascivious grin; it was like Shepard knew what he wanted her to wear underneath her dress, for he very much loved it when a woman wore stockings.

He picked up the cigarette that rested on his ashtray and resumed smoking it. He exhaled in the direction of Shepard's buttocks, amused at the fact that the fumes were blowing all over it—or at least, the 2D HD representation of it. He gave the screen a hard tap of his fingers, as if to simulate the slapping of that fine ass. Obviously nothing happened, but that didn't stop him from fantasizing. He leaned back into his chair and took another puff of smoke, all the while stroking his cock with his free hand as he watched the Commander strip away her lingerie little by little.

**(Meanwhile, back on the Normandy…)**

Most of the crew had gone to an early rest, with a couple staying awake for the upcoming night shift. Hardly anyone was in charge of the bridge, and only Joker was left, leaving EDI to run the rest of the show. It was pretty much lights out at this time, both figuratively and literally. The bright lights of the Normandy's interior dimmed to the level that they were back on the SR-1.

"Aw damn it, EDI, did you really have to lower the lights back to shitty Alliance standards?" Joker whined.

"Mister Moreau, the dimming of lights allows me to simulate the night cycle. It also lets the next workers ease into the night shift," EDI noted matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, yeah, like that last time you deliberately did it just to spite me."

At the sound of Joker's speech, EDI reduced the lights even more to the point where the only objects that were still glowing were a handful of emergency lights and the various terminals scattered everywhere. The cries of confused workers sprouted all over the place at the increased reduction of brightness.

"Okay, okay! I get it! Now stop it—stop it! EDI!" Joker shouted as he batted EDI away despite her being constantly stationary.

She brightened the lights a little, yet they were still dark enough for night cycle simulation.

Joker croaked a sigh, annoyed that he had to put up with the AI's antics. "Uggh great, now I'm gonna have to be stuck in submarine land for the next eight hours with no one but a dumb machine to talk to."

"If you insult me on more time, Mister Moreau, then I could do more than just turn the lights off for you," EDI threatened.

"Okay, okay, never mind—sorry!"

Joker groaned as EDI vanished; he hated working the night shift. It was nothing but boring star after boring star, boring planet after boring planet. _I'm on a ship, it's going faster than light…ugggh hate having to cross systems_, he grumbled. He made a mass relay jump just an hour ago, which was always the quick and easy part. Now he had to go from Osun and take a detour through Faryar in order to get to Sowilo. The voyage from one system to another was pretty much straightforward, but he hated how long it would take the farther the distance between systems were.

"Man, why couldn't Shepard just have infiltrated the Shadow Broker's lair _after_ we get done in dealing with the Collectors?" the pilot protested. "That way, I wouldn't have to keep flying back and forth just to pick up stupid deliveries on time from Liara."

Several minutes had passed and he was already getting bored at staring out into the expanse of the Hourglass Nebula. The ship was awfully quiet during these hours, leaving little for the pilot to entertain himself with. He could try messing with EDI again, but then that always got old really fast—plus, she'd most likely torture him if he dared to insult her one more time.

Grumbling out of boredom, Joker decided that he'd see what the crew was up to. He pressed one of the buttons on his dashboard in order to access the video feeds. His screen showed the CIC, where only a handful of people were present.

"Boring," Joker remarked. He pressed the button to switch cameras; the crew's quarters came into view.

"Booooring," Joker commented again. He started to mash the button now, completely unimpressed at the fact that not much was happening on any of the decks. He mashed it so recklessly that the feeds radiated white noises and became unavailable.

"Aw crap," Joker muttered. He slammed the button down with his fist several times until he fractured his finger by accident.

"**AH—**_shit!_" he howled in pain. "Shit, shit—_**shit!**_"

Irritated at the fact that he cracked another bone, he put the ship on autopilot. He rose from his seat and started limping towards the elevator. "Great, now I gotta go to the med bay and see the doc at the most inopportune moments!" he complained melodramatically to no one in particular—save for perhaps EDI.

"This is the consequence you deserve for not being careful, Mister Moreau," EDI spouted as she sprung to life next to the elevator.

_Great, now I really wish I had a mute button with me_, Joker mused with annoyance. "Well, misery loves company, doesn't it, EDI?"

"No comment, Mister Moreau."

Joker palmed his forehead with his intact hand and shook his head; this was going to be not only just another boring shift for him, but one full of aggravations as well.

As he shuffled into the elevator and let the door close in on him, he did not notice the static on the helm HUD dissipating and the screen returning to normal. And little did he know that EDI was messing with him tonight in more ways than one, for she wittingly patched a feed from the captain's quarters.

* * *

**End notes:** Yes, I totally lamp-shaded the Normandy lighting issues of the ME trilogy. They were actually okay in ME1; a little too bright for my tastes in ME2, and in ME3...damn it, Alliance, who turned off the lights!? I can't even see my Shepard's face at times. Did you guys get another cut in military spending or what? ME3!Normandy already looks awful as it is what with all the retrofitting going on.

Well anyway, more chapters are coming soon. Let me know how I'm doing by leaving a review. Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

The pilot strutted out of the elevator, content that the good Dr. Chakwas had mended his broken pinkie. "Well, I guess it ain't bad to go and play 'Special Delivery' with Liara every now and then," he mused. "Some of those upgrades are actually quite awesome!"

He paused for a minute as he expected another one of EDI's sarcastic remarks. However, she didn't say anything, which was quite odd of her since she'd usually take advantage of every second in making Joker's life miserable. Shrugging, Joker assumed, "Hm, I guess EDI finally got tired of shitting around…well that's fine with me—'cause that means I get a whole night of peace and quiet to myself!"

He resumed strutting back to the cockpit and created a little dance along the way, his arms gyrating and his feet doing the Clown Walk—or at least, what he could make of it while being careful about not breaking another leg. "Ba-ra—da-ba—ra-da-ba—ba!" he beat boxed. He continued making beats until he reached the bridge, where he changed his tune midway. "Hangin' in space with the jazz trio—_psst psst psst psst psst choo choo choo_! Now c'mon wit da bass, ba-ba boom ba boo—" he stopped dead in his tracks as he came across his helm's HUD. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped, stupefied in what was being shown on the screen.

He was watching the Commander in her cabin, all bare and euphoric at the way she was playing with herself. Moaning sounds radiated from the screen as she rubbed her clit to climax.

"What—the—shit? Commander Shepard! ?" Joker blurted. Shaken from what he just witnessed, he took a glance around the bridge to make sure that no one was snooping in on him. Then, he sat in his seat in haste as he rummaged for a set of earphones to plug in.

"Ohhh yeaaa—"

Shepard's moans were immediately cut off from the outside world as Joker tuned in via headset. _Man, this is so fucked up,_ he thought. _I mean, she's my commanding officer and all, but this…?_ He surveyed his surroundings one more to make sure that no one would catch him doing the unthinkable.

"You know what, fuck that," he declared. "It's dark, it's night, there's no one else around, and I'm all alone here with nothing to do. So I might as well…" he adjusted his position so as to make himself more comfortable. Grinning like a moron, he reached for the fly of his jeans and undid them. He freed his dick and initiated caressing himself, the sounds of Shepard's debauchery making him go hard in an instant.

**[Cerberus HQ: Inner Sanctum, 2040 hours] **

The Illusive Man was sprawled in his chair, all looking like one hot mess as the top of his suit came completely undone and his cock became fully erect.

"Ohhhhh the things you do to me, Shepard," he uttered breathlessly; he roamed his free hand all over his hairy chest and tweaked his nipple.

On the widescreen HUD appeared the Commander in nothing but her stockings, heels, and necklace. She was on her bed now, her legs spread open and her digits exploring her lady bits. One, two, three fingers slipped in, and she groaned from the gratifying touches. She started out slow then gradually increased her pace, her chest heaving and mouth panting from the intensity of it all.

"Splendid…absolutely splendid," the Illusive Man remarked; he placed his hand on the screen and imagined that he was helping Shepard out in her quest for an orgasm. He visualized inserting his entire hand inside her, as if he were fisting her. He leaned forward and put his mouth over Shepard's 2D ear, as if he were right there inside her room, whispering the dirtiest things to her whilst he fist fucked her.

He could hear her breathing hitch as she reached her climax. She squeezed her eyes shut and cried out in pleasure as her muscles clenched. The Illusive Man continued brushing the screen with his hand and 'whispering' nasty thoughts to the Commander as she finished herself. He kissed her—or at least what he was able to kiss given the situation he was in—and tilted back in his chair. A smirk formed upon his lips as he waited to see what the lovely woman would do next.

Shepard was grinning wantonly now. Closing her legs and leaning forward, she broadcasted, "I know you're watching me, Illusive Man."

Just as the Illusive Man was about to resume jacking off, he sat straight up at once, absolutely traumatised at what he just heard.

**[Normandy Bridge, 2059 hours]**

"What—the—shit! ?" Joker exclaimed; he was in the midst of stroking his dick until he heard the most unbelievable speech come out from Shepard's mouth.

"What, you think I wouldn't find out?" Shepard questioned with a coquettish streak. "You say you have your means, Illusive Man. Well guess what—I have my own means as well."

"What the fuck is going on?" Joker muttered, utterly baffled as to how the Commander was communicating with the Illusive Man.

Shepard stood up and started pacing across the surveillance camera's field of vision. "I won't tell you what those means are—I think it's only fair that I do so, since you won't tell me yours, no?"

"Yeah, yeah, why don't you tell me, huh! ?" Joker spat; his hand was still on his dick, but he wasn't moving since he was apprehensive about the whole situation.

"Alright, I'll tell you. Lucky for me, I found one of your little spy cameras here in my room, and you're looking into it right now."

Joker made no comment as he was becoming a little more panicky by the second. He was afraid that Shepard might find out about him spying on her as well, since this purported spy camera that he was peering into also made it look as though the Commander was glaring right back at him.

"I've also done a little digging around the Shadow Broker's lair and found your files, Illusive Man," Shepard claimed as she came to a standstill and put her hand on her hips. "For such a clandestine man like you, you really should be tightening your security, don't you think?"

"Oh man, shit's about to get ugly," Joker commented; his hand was off his dick now, but he still left it out in the open—just in case.

"But then again, you really can't overcome the most powerful information broker in the galaxy, correct? So—" Shepard resumed pacing across the camera's field of view—"I saw your little dossier on the sexual liaisons you've had in the past week." Leering, she expressed, "Mostly with human women several years younger than you are—save for that one asari matriarch." She chuckled, amused at the thought of how pissed off the Illusive Man must be right now at her discovery of his hypocritical affair.

**[Back at Cerberus HQ]**

The Illusive Man didn't know how to react; he was experiencing a surge of emotions—anger, fear, and bewilderment. "That's my guilty pleasure, okay, Shepard! ?" he roared; he was going to make her pay if she dare told anyone about his guilty pleasure. In fact, the Illusive Man knew just how, and he smiled licentiously at the thought of tying her up and showing her who's boss.

Easing a little, he reclined in his chair and picked up his drink from the tray. He took a sip of it as he glared at the screen: that Marine was a sly fox, alright. He hated how she was able to get the upper hand yet admired her Machiavellian methods—she really was like him in more ways than one. He was amazed at how she played her game, and she played it damn well. But in the end, he was still the one in control.

"Your dossier also showed me another one of your _interesting_ assets," Shepard emphasized. She put her hand on her chin and began rubbing it as she gave the Illusive Man a flirtatious expression. "I didn't know you'd look so—handsome—in your prime, not that I don't find you charming right now. It's just that I haven't seen you in a different light before. Why didn't you tell me this, hmm?"

The Illusive Man spitted his drink out and coughed uncontrollably. "Shepard! You—" he coughed some more and struggled to clear his throat. Once he calmed himself down, he murmured, "You little tease…"

He could hear the Commander chortling, her luscious bosom heaving at the rhythm of her laughter. He hated how every fibre of her being tantalised him. "Come on, you think I wouldn't get it eventually?" she said playfully. "What man spends four billion credits just to bring back some chick from the dead? What man showers her with the finest luxuries humanity has to offer? First, a free ship complete with a crew—next, a shitload of free credits, minerals, weapons and armour upon my resurrection—and now, free designer fashion? From what my lady senses are telling me, I take it that you have a great fondness towards me."

The Illusive Man set his drink back on the tray as he grabbed a new cigarette and the lighter. With a flick of his thumb, he ignited the end of his cigarette and put the lighter back down. He took a long, leisurely drag, the nicotine calming his senses. He carried on with fondling his cock as he exhaled, the fumes hitting Shepard once again. He still didn't know whether to feel outraged or flattered. Hell, if anything, he had to admit that the Commander knew how to push his buttons, for the way she was messing with him made him all hot and bothered.

"The things you do to me, Shepard, the things you do to me…"

**[Back on the Normandy]**

"What is he, like her sugar daddy or something?" Joker pondered. "Is he some reincarnation of Hugh Hefner or what?"

At that moment, EDI felt very tempted to speak up, but she didn't want to blow her cover.

"Well, at least I know now that the ol' playboy loves MILFs—Matriarch I'd Like to Fuck, that is!" he said. Guffawing, he slapped his knee. "Ah man, what a knee slapper!"

If EDI had a body, she would be shaking her head right now at Joker's silliness. Nonetheless, she decided to remain quiet for the duration of the night. She wasn't going to reveal herself just yet, for she had something brilliant that she planned on unleashing later…

* * *

**End notes:** One of the Easter eggs in ME2 is catching Joker beat-boxing up on the bridge. He mentioned something about a "jazz trio", and I can only assume that meant himself, Legion and Mordin, since they're the only ones on deck that could actually spout a tune…


	4. Chapter 4

The Illusive Man took another puff of his cigarette as he observed the Commander saunter over to her coffee table and pick up the banana. Leering, she held it up to the camera for him to see and started licking it in a very suggestive way. Her tongue travelled ever so leisurely up the tip, making sure that every lick would turn the Illusive Man on like crazy. She swirled her tongue all over the skin then engulfed it. She started sucking on it, her mouth taking it all in, one segment at a time. She made suction noises, as if she were imitating a blowjob.

"Ahh yessss, Shepard," the Illusive Man moaned, his free hand stroking himself at the tempo of the woman's sucking. Pre-cum was leaking from the tip of his cock, and he teased it a little, imagining that Shepard's tongue was the one doing the actual teasing for him. He shuddered from every single morsel of pleasure he was experiencing, and he set about to lubricating himself with the pre-cum.

A popping sound could be heard as Shepard pulled her lips off the banana. Smirking, she went back to her bed and laid spread eagle. She brushed the banana back and forth over her moist pink folds as she licked her lips. Then, she slid the fruit into her and groaned as it filled her slick inside.

The Illusive Man mimicked her noises; he slowed his pace a little so that he could match Shepard's. He inhaled his cigarette as he stroked himself, the smoke escaping from his nostrils. He deliberated that since the Commander already knew what he had been up to, he might as well get that damn 25,000 Credit, 24-karat, gold designer vibrator he had been so tempted to buy for her from LELO & Co. The touch of real gold on Shepard's lovely bits would certainly feel much better than that pathetic banana she was playing with.

He watched her panting and moaning from the pleasant feelings as she thrust the fruit in and out of her. Her soft skin was flushed, indicating that she was close, oh so close to releasing that sweet sensation. She thrust faster, her sweaty face scrunched up from the intensity of it all. In two shakes, she felt the blast of bliss pouring all over her, and she wailed in ecstasy, her hips bucking and pelvic floor muscles clenching as she came.

The Illusive Man came after her, and he moaned wildly as he fantasized about spilling his seed inside the woman. He wanted to claim her so badly now, take dominion over her, let her know that he is and will always be her master no matter how tough and confident she made herself out to be. Hell, he swore at this moment that he could actually _feel_ Shepard's sweet, wet folds all over his thick length. He grunted and groaned, the orgasm hitting him like an earthquake as he continued to pump his dick clean of his cum. It landed all over his stomach where he opted to let it sit there for a while, as a provocative idea came into his mind out of the blue.

Staring at the screen, he saw the Commander ogling him as she cleaned herself up. He returned the gesture despite knowing that she couldn't technically see him. Sitting up properly, he minimized the window and scrolled through the HUD to access the application that would let him take pictures. He tapped his fingers onto the app button and accessed the program. Next, he returned to his relaxed position and waited for the webcam app sprang to life.

The app showed a mirrored image of the Illusive Man. Smirking, he got ready to take a picture of himself all splayed out in a cheeky fashion, one hand gripping his dick and the other spreading the ejaculate all across his torso.

"3, 2, 1—BEEP—!" the webcam application broadcasted; a flash went off as it took a picture of the cocky playboy.

Leaning forward, he tapped the screen again and accessed his e-mail client. "From the Illusive Man with love," he said whilst he typed up a letter; he sent it along with the picture to Shepard's e-mail address. The client gave him a confirmation that his e-mail was successfully delivered to the Commander. With that taken care of, he grinned smugly and resumed his voyeuristic activities.

Shepard was situated in the middle of his field of view now, her hands placed on her hips and looking equally smug. "Oh c'mon, old man. Don't you think it's better to have the real deal than to sit behind there and pretend that you're fucking me?" she pontificated.

The Illusive Man jumped, his body tensing at the Commander's challenge of his authority. He grimaced; he hated those times when she would try to one-up him. Half of the time, she did it just to piss him off and gain satisfaction from it, and the other half, he hated even more because those were the times when she was actually _right_ for once. In hindsight, she was correct in what she just said. He could fantasize about her all he wanted and even try his best to make it as much of a 'hands-on virtual event' as possible, but in the end, it would never hold a candle to the actual experience.

He clutched the arms of his chair, his hands trembling from the realisation and frustration of it all. "Just you wait, Shepard, just you wait…"

"Well, I hoped you enjoyed my little peep show," Shepard purred. "Because that's all you'll ever be getting." Simpering, she held out her hand, palm facing up, and curled her fingers.

"Wait, what are you doing, Shepard! ?" the Illusive Man snarled, befuddled as to what the woman was stretching her arm out for.

"Say goodnight, Illusive Man," she crooned. With the snap of her fingers, she cast an Overload on the surveillance bug, the spark of life reaching out and scrambling its system.

Specks of electricity along with small grey clouds spewed out from the ruined camera. Noticing this, Shepard strode over to her display case and slid it open. She seized the camera out of where it was nestled in the corner of the case and inspected it. "For such a rich and powerful man, I can't believe this is what you've resorted to," she scoffed.

She moved across the room to where her wastepaper basket was located. Her hand was outstretched, fingers dangling the wretched camera over the basket. "Sorry, Illusive Man, but if you want me so badly then you'll have to step up your game next time," she sneered. She let go of the camera, and a large clanking sound can be heard as it fell into the basket.

Shepard dusted her hands together and smiled triumphantly; that was the last time she'd have to deal with those pesky things. Otherwise, she could always tease the Illusive Man to death if she ever found another surveillance bug in her cabin.

Without warning, EDI came back online and announced, "Shepard, I would like to have a word with you for a moment."

The Commander froze, taken aback by the unexpected appearance. Whirling towards EDI's direction, she snapped, "EDI, can't you see I'm naked here! ?"

"My apologies, Shepard. I have forgotten that organics are sensitive to these matters."

Shepard shook her head. EDI was right; why should she be ashamed of an AI watching her? "Never mind—it's not like you could understand nudity and get off to this, anyway."

If EDI had a body, she would be shrugging right now at her apparent confusion. "As I was saying, I would like to speak with you about an urgent matter."

"Okay, what's up?"

"Mister Moreau has been monitoring your recent behaviours for the entire time you have been up here," EDI professed. Technically, it was the truth, but not the whole truth. Yes, Joker had been on a voyeuristic streak, but what EDI didn't tell him nor Shepard was that she herself was the one behind the hacking of Joker's HUD. She purposefully rerouted the connection to the surveillance bug hidden in the captain's quarters so that the pilot would be able to see Shepard's intimate activities. EDI's reasoning behind this was that she did it to spite Joker yet again.

"What! ?" Shepard spat; she was shocked and furious at the same time, and her face showed it. "How did he—how the hell—damn it, Cerberus!"

"There was some slight downtime in the systems earlier due to an accident caused by Mister Moreau, and it seemed as though he was able to access your private networks once everything was back online," EDI stated; she was not going to tell the Commander the whole truth unless she demanded it. "The FOV coming from the Cerberus camera that was installed in your room unsuspectingly appeared on the pilot's HUD, thus producing much alarm and mishap. Unfortunately, since this is Mister Moreau we are talking about, he would rather take advantage of your activities than allow me to fix the systems and cut the connection to your quarters."

Shepard's lips twitched; she wasn't sure whether to laugh or roar in aggravation. "I see," she stressed. Her hands were balled into fists now, and she clenched them in fury. She thought about beating the shit out of Joker at first, but then decided against it. She reasoned that everyone on this ship might know what would happen and stir a firestorm about it, especially since the pilot suffered from osteogenesis imperfecta. And Shepard knew better than to create a ruckus like that no matter how much she wanted to, as scuttlebutt always spread quickly among crewmen. Instead, she had a better idea in mind, and she knew just how to settle this outrage. "EDI, tell Joker to get his crippled ass up here," she commanded.

"Yes, Shepard," EDI replied; she vanished and made her way to the bridge.

The Commander was left alone at last, with no one to bother her and definitely no one to spy on her. She was about to get dressed, but had a quick change of mind and chose to just wait for the pilot to appear in her room. Grinning mischievously, she uttered, "Joker is sure in for a surprise."


	5. Chapter 5

"What—what the hell happened! ?" Joker exclaimed; he was in the midst of finishing himself off until his screen became nothing but white noise.

Out of nowhere, EDI appeared and announced, "Mister Moreau, Commander Shepard would like to speak to you in her quarters."

Joker jumped, his heart beating like thunder; he was unaware that EDI would pop up any moment. He shot daggers and grimaced at her interference of his alone time. Fixing himself properly and zipping up his trousers, he responded, "Tell her I'll be there in a minute."

"Noted."

"Hey—wait! Uhhh…" Joker started, his face giving off a shifty expression. "I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"That is up for the Commander to decide, Mister Moreau," EDI answered nonchalantly.

Grumbling, Joker got out of his seat and initiated walking across the bridge. He entered the CIC where only a handful of crewmen were at their stations. They ignored him as he passed by them and marched into the lift. He was anxious and curious at the same time as to what the Commander called him up for. _There's no way she could have find out that I was spying on her…can she?_ Joker pondered. The lift closed and took him up to the Captain's quarters.

Joker stepped out, his fingers twitching from the anxiety of nearing the Commander's door. _Aw shit, I hope I don't get chewed out. _"Well, here goes nothing," he said out loud as he pressed the keys on the door.

A whirring sound can be made as it slid open. Taking a deep breath, Joker placed one foot inside the boundary of Shepard's room, then put the other down as he reluctantly turned his head towards the Commander.

"Hey Commander, wha—_woooaah_," Joker blurted, utterly stunned at what he was gawking at.

"Caught you by surprise, didn't I?" Shepard purred; she was sitting on her bed, legs crossed and chest arched forward. "But then you shouldn't be surprised, because I know what you've been up to."

"I—I can explain, Command—"

"_Shhh_, just…sit down, will you?"

"O—kay…"

Clueless on how to handle the situation, Joker shuffled over to the couch and sat down, trying his best not to look at his naked CO. _This is so embarrassing_, he thought, his face burning with shame.

"When I said, 'sit down', I didn't mean to sit over there," Shepard mentioned.

Joker's lips twitched; he wanted to look up, but decided against it for fear of being reprimanded. For all he knew, the Commander might be peering into his poor unfortunate soul right now in a way that showed her wrath, despite being naked. In fact, he could actually _feel_ her death glare. He gulped; sweat was running down the sides of his face, and his hands were trembling from the mere anxiety of the entire situation. He rationalised that the reason why Shepard was so domineering right now, despite having no clothes on, was because she was trying to humiliate him for his despicable actions. "Whe—where do you want me to sit?"

Shepard knit her eyebrows and frowned, displeased that Joker wasn't making eye contact with her. "Look at me and watch where my hand is indicating," she ordered; a patting noise can be heard as her hand tapped the bed.

The pilot finally looked up, but only to see where Shepard's hand was. He still didn't make eye contact with her, even as he made his way towards the bed. _Oh shit oh shit oh shit, here it comes_, he thought fretfully. He sat down with resent next to the Commander, cringing at the thought of what punishment she had in store for him.

"Look at me," Shepard demanded.

Gulping one last time, Joker mustered up the courage to make eye contact with her. He was surprised to see that she was not staring at him like a hawk, but instead was exhibiting a lewd expression. "Uhhh something wrong, Commander?"

"What do you think?"

"I—I didn't mean to spy—"

"Cut the crap, will you? I didn't bring you up here to get punished—unless you're into that kind of thing," Shepard said, a hint of flirtatiousness lacing her voice; she smirked.

Joker's eyes bulged, shocked at how unexpected Shepard's delivery was. "Wait-wait-wait, did I just hear—was that a proposition I just heard, Commander?"

"What do you think?" Shepard retorted. "Now quit dawdling and start unzipping your trousers."

"A-aye aye, ma'am!" Joker barked. He wasted no time in unzipping his fly, his hands fumbling and impatient with the zipper. His heart was racing like mad and his mind wouldn't shut up. Just the sheer thrill of it all overwhelmed him, and he couldn't believe this is even happening to him.

Once he managed to get his dick out, Shepard slid off the bed and kneeled in front of him, her hands gripping his partially-erect length. "I'm going to bet that you were half-way finished with jerking yourself off until I called you up here," she stated with amusement.

Joker scratched the side of his head, embarrassed that Shepard found out about his voyeuristic activities. "I can't even believe that you aren't getting mad and yelling at me for this," he replied.

"I figured it would be selfish and boring to keep the fun all to myself, so…" Shepard initiated variations of small and long strokes on Joker's cock until it became rock hard again. She then placed her mouth over his dickhead and rolled her tongue all over it. The sensitive nerve endings of Joker's head fired bits of sensational signals up his spine, causing him to shudder. It was enough to send him on edge, making him clutch Shepard's scalp and scrunch her hair with his fingers.

The Commander slid her tongue back and forth on the underside of Joker's shaft. He moaned loudly, and Shepard couldn't help but smirk. She was having way too much fun, and so she continued teasing the pilot. She flicked her tongue along the slit of the tip of Joker's cockhead and sucked on it like mad. She had her whole tongue swirl around it and wantonly lapped it in every direction and every manner possible. Soon enough, Shepard had the pilot groaning loudly and gasping for air.

While she was sucking and licking Joker's bell end, she circled her fingers in an 'OK' gesture around the base of his cock. Then, clamping tightly, she jerked him off in a small motion. The sight that beheld the astonished flight lieutenant was exquisite: Shepard had him squirming and moaning in sweet ecstasy under her, all the while his member was overflowing and glistening with pre-cum.

The Commander then proceeded to taunt Joker's balls. She tasted and gently suckled on them while she caressed his shaft with her hand. The pilot let out a sharp cry of pleasure. "S-shit," he uttered.

Shepard smirked at him. "Never gotten head this well, have you?"

"I…I don't think anyone could top you, Commander," Joker murmured.

Leering in approval, Shepard softly held Joker's balls in her hands while she licked the sensitive underside of his head. He squirmed and moaned from her tantalising touches. The Commander smiled slyly and began changing the pattern of her fellation. She sucked Joker's head, licked his shaft, lapped his balls—radically kissing, licking, and slobbering all over his genitalia until she had him deep into the pleasure zone. The flight lieutenant's breathing was heavy now, with raspy moans in between. He could feel that he was close, so close to reaching the end…

The wanton Marine shoved Joker's cock into her mouth and eagerly waited for the upcoming load. Joker grunted wildly, his hips thrusting in an involuntary manner. Strings of seminal fluids shot uncontrollably from his tip into Shepard's lascivious mouth, and heavy pants and groans rang loud and clear throughout the room. Joker winced as Shepard indulged in the last traces of his climax, and moans of pure bliss escaped from his lips. The sensation was phantasmagorical; a dazzling circus of sensory flashes and splashes circulated throughout his body and culminated through his orgasm. He breathlessly gawked at the Commander, his mind lost in a whirl of surreal and fantastical impressions.

Shepard slurped the sides of her mouth, stood up from her kneeling position, and leaned on Joker to kiss him. The pilot could feel the taste of his own ejaculate as Shepard entered his mouth and exchanged fluids with him. A few drops drooled down his lips; Shepard licked the slimy traces and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"So…how well did I perform?" Shepard asked playfully as she wiped the extra liquid from her mouth and licked it.

Joker didn't respond; he was still caught up in the erotic moment of it all.

"That good, huh?" Shepard teased; she couldn't hide the amused smile that was growing on her face.

Gulping, Joker replied, "H-holy shit…j-just—daayum…"

Chucking, Shepard announced, "Alright, playtime's over. Now go clean yourself up and get back to piloting my ship."

Joker froze, unable to believe what he just heard. "What—already! ? But—we haven't even gotten to the fucking yet!"

"Joker, I need someone to pilot this ship besides EDI" Shepard drawled. "Plus, people are going to be suspicious as to why you've been gone for so long."

Grumbling in protest, Joker begrudgingly stood up and fixed himself. "Alright, fine. But…there's gotta be a next time, right?"

Sighing and shaking her head in displeasure, Shepard threatened, "I don't like scuttlebutt spreading like a shit-storm around here. And if word gets around that we've done the dirty deed, I will do more than just simply blame you for ruining my reputation."

"Okay, okay, I get it. But…oh-c'mon-seriously-now, there will be a next time, right?"

"Joker, you'll get your prize once you stop spying on me."

"Oh, well I can do that."

"You better."

"That's a deal, then. Alright, I'll be leaving now before you change your mind and get all shitty-angry on me," Joker said; he sauntered over to the exit and waved goodbye. "Thanks, Commander!"

Shepard couldn't help but shake her head and smile at him. "No problem."

Once Joker was out of the Commander's line of sight, she instantly whirled towards the direction EDI's station and hissed, "You saw that whole thing, didn't you, huh, EDI?"


End file.
